I am a Contradiction

I’ve been wondering lately…does anybody really get what they want?  Is anyone really living their dreams?  Is anyone fully and completely satisfied with the life they are living?  It’s a great thought, dream, or wish, but can it really be achieved?

For me, money, time, obligations, location, fear, and ultimately contradiction all get in the way of living the life I really want.  I have achieved a lot, yes.  I have overcome obstacles and accomplished goals, and am even living some of my dreams…but there’s more that I want, more I don’t have that keeps me reaching, searching, and struggling.  This is probably true for many people, right?  Are we ever satisfied?  Or do we just learn to settle with what we have, where we are, and what our life is like right now?

It makes me sad to think that I am settling for a life that I don’t fully want.  It makes me sad to think that I feel so stuck sometimes, and that I have no other choice. 

I get bored easily in one place.  I like travel and nature.  I like to experience new things, see new places, learn about different arts, cultures, people, and places.  I enjoy working on my self to make improvements, be a better person, continue learning and growing.  I love filling the well with experiences.  I want more, more, more. 

And yet, I love lazy days at home with a good book, television show, or just time spent sitting on the front porch.  I am thrilled to be getting married soon and am looking forward to a happy, simple life with my future husband.  I ache for my first (not yet conceived) child, counting the days until he or she is born into this world to bless our lives.  I look forward to mothering, raising, and nurturing my children.  I love small town life, simplicity, routine, and the day-to-day stuff. I am happy in this life. 

How can I be these two different people at once?  How can I feel so fulfilled in one sense and so lacking in another?  Why do I feel like I am settling for this life, when simultaneously, this life fills me with joy?  Is there a balance?  Is there a way to find peace, somehow, with both?  Will I always feel as if I am settling?  Or will my desire for experience and personal transformation ultimately wear me out? 

I am tired.  I’m tired of trying, of always working on myself and searching for more, and trying to find out who I am and what I want.  I want to settle down and be happy.  But then, I am bored, too.  I feel like this (this place, this life) is not all that’s left for me.  I feel like there is so much more out there waiting for me.          

I am a contradiction.  I say one thing…then I say another.  I want one thing…then I want something else.  I am happy one day…then I am unhappy the next.  I am one girl…then I am someone totally different.  Who am I?  What do I want?  I am always, always, searching for the answer…